Finding a long lost lover in the snow von Jinki (HanChul/ ninja!KangTeuk) ================================================================================ Kapitel 1: ----------- He didn't had seen it come in any way. Hangeng never mentioned it before. Never. But when they made their promotions in China he could at least have foreseen it, when Hangeng had taken so many clothes with him. But he was blind back then. Thinking Hangeng would never leave him or Super Junior. He was so blind.. He sighed at the half emptied room when he opened the door and sneaked in. How long was he alone now? Heechul thought about it for a moment. Even after two years now he never got used to this sight. This empty bed, and the empty shelf and all the memories which still remained. In the beginning it was very hard. He barely could sleep in his bed or even be in their room. No. It wasn't “their room” anymore. It was his room now. And it seemed like everyone was expecting him to be happy about this fact. It seemed like they were waiting for him to buy new furniture and stuff, making the room all his. But even after the two years now that Hangeng had left, the room still remained the same. He never touched Hangeng's bed or sat on it. Not for once. But now looking at all these pictures of the two of them, from shootings or even private photos.. He felt sick. His heart felt like a big, heavy stone still missing Hangeng. And so Heechul remembered in a second why he had buried all these pictures under his bed all the time. Because he didn't wanted to be reminded of his time with Hangeng. All their wonderful times, drinking in their room while still half of Super Junior was still to young for that and laughing at ridiculous stuff, sleeping together cuddled up against each other.. And then all his memories where to much for him to take anymore and the tears began to roll down his smooth cheeks. How was it possible for someone to be such a crybaby over something like that? He thought while whipping away his tears angrily. Heechul pushed the box with the pictures back under the bed and stood up, grabbing a pencil and a piece of paper. Maybe he just had to write a letter to Hangeng and asking him if he wanted their pictures or writing down how angry he was, or write instead of that just anything. But not a single word wanted to come to his mind and so he just threw the paper and the pencil to the side and went angry to sleep. His dreams were all about Hangeng and his beautiful smile. His smooth hair and weird way of talking in Korean. Every time he woke up from one of those dreams that night, he just sobbed hard into the pillow before he clenched his fist and pushed it hard against the mattress. Heechul had just fallen asleep two hours before, when he woke up to the loud screams and yelling of his fellow band members. Heechul hadn't even the time to ask himself what might was going on outside, when the door flung open wide and Leeteuk came in with a wide grin. “Still pretending to sleep? Come on! Get up! I have a big surprise for you Chullie~”, he said in a sing-sang voice and opened the curtains. “I don't want to hear it.”, was all that Heechul replied moody. “But Chullie~ Come on! We have 2 weeks vacation and you and me will go for a very special vacation! All you have to say is: 'Yes Jungsu! I'm really glad you invited me and take me to JAPAN for some winter holiday trip!' Sounds good, don't you think?”, he asked again with enthusiasm. But Heechul still remained quiet for a moment and then he said quickly. “No.”, and turned in his bed so he could face the wall. “But Chullie~ .. It's me! Your only hyung.. Can you really say no to my demand?”, but all he got was another simple “No.” “Listen Jungsu.. Yes you are my only hyung – That's true. But all I want to do is lay here and catch some sleep after I had a very horrible night without much sleep. So all you should do, to get out of this room alive, is to close the curtains again and leave quick and quiet.” It went quiet for a moment and when he heard the fabric of Leeteuk's trousers ruffle, he believed for a brief moment that he had won. But Heechul was so totally wrong. He heard some zipper open and then the doors of his closet were opened. “Do you want to take your blue jacket as well as the red one with you? Or do you prefer the yellow one?”, he heard Leeteuk ask while he packed his suitcase. “Seriously Jungsu. I'm not going with you on this shitty trip to Japan! I hate snow, I hate planes, I hate everything. So just leave me alone and take everyone with you. I don't want to see anyone for the next two weeks. Really I'm getting angry with you Jungsu, even if you're my only hyung here!”, but Leeteuk seemed to ignore his angry yelling and keeped packing his stuff until his suitcase was nearly overloaded. And all that Heechul could do was letting out a deep sigh and getting out of bed. “You're doing it totally wrong..”, Heechul hissed and pushed Leeteuk aside to pack all the stuff properly so he could close his suitcase in one fluent move. “Wow! Chullie look! It's just so great! All the snow and the mountains and all the hot springs around here!”, said Leeteuk overloaded with joy when he got out of the car. But Heechul seemed not to be happy in any way. He was just glad to be alive, after Leeteuk's horrible driving skills, he thought a moment about calling Siwon back in Korea and ask him about some prayers. But then he shock his head and got out of the car too. “Very wonderful. I hate snow. Can we go inside now? I'm tired to hell and all I want to do since you got me out of bed to early this morning is sleeping. So can we go now?”, he asked ever again and was on his way inside when he recognized someone through the big window of the hotel. He stared for a brief moment before he blinked. But when he opened his eyes again, the man he had recognized was gone. Maybe it was the lack of sleep or he just got dizzy from the horrible car drive, but he thought he had just seen a man that looked like Hangeng. Not like his Hangeng, but like the Hangeng he saw on magazine covers or at Chinese television lately pretty often. On their way to the big and luxurious hotel room, all he could think about was this stranger who had just looked like Hangeng. But could it really be? He hadn't even seen his face. Maybe it was just some random Chinese man who came to this expensive place to do some winter sport or just relax or anything! Heechul blamed it all on his lack of sleep, but this whole Hangeng stuff was getting him in an even darker mood. “Jungsu.. I'm going to sleep now. So don't even try to find a way to distract me again!”, he said angrily when he walked directly to the big bed. But when Heechul turned around to face Leeteuk one last time, sending him a angry glare because he didn't answered him, he found him rummage around in his suitcase. “Oh no Jungsu! I'm not going with you out into the snow. I hate snow. And I hate sledding, and on top of that I hate going sledding with you! You are the worst driver in the world, so why do you think I should be out of mind enough to go sledding with you?! That would be like suicide!”, Heechul said furious. But seeing Leeteuk pout all the time made him feel sad. Maybe.. Just a little bit..? No. Seriously no. What was he thinking? Everything was like suicide when it included Leeteuk and something that had a set of wheels or was able to glide on snow. So why should he give in? This pout was going to make him insane... “JUNGSU THIS IS SO INSANE! I'M NOT SLEDDING WITH YOU DOWN THIS FUCKING HILL!!! NO. NEVER. FORGET IT.”, he yelled at Leeteuk as he felt him grabbing his wrist. “OH NO!! FORGET IT!”, he yelled again. But he had no chance against Leeteuk. When had he gotten that strong? Or was it Heechul's inner self demanding that it could be some fun sledding down that... hill? It was much more than a hill. It was a mountain. It was … So fucking high, and it had taken them more than 20 minutes to walk. And now? Now he was standing there, in the middle of kids with Leeteuk besides him and about to slide directly into death. Sure, it wasn't that much of a problem for all those kids. Because they wouldn't be on the sled with Leeteuk, the worst driver since... EVER. And then he was on the sled in front of Leeteuk and they were sliding down this fucking hill. And beneath all the screaming and the tight grip from Leeteuk's arm around his waist he saw this man again. His eyes widened for a moment, before he tried to turn around to see the mans face. But that was the moment he feared the most. Seeing the mans face. He was afraid to gain the certainty, that this stranger was not Hangeng, but just a random Chinese man, who used to look like Hangeng from the back. And so he pressed his eyes shut. “That was fun! Wasn't it? Let's get up for another round?”, said Leeteuk in his usual sing-sang voice from behind and squeezed Heechul a bit more. But all he could think about right now was this man. This fucking man. Who was he? And why does he had to be around all the time? And why couldn't he not once see his face properly? Why didn't he want to see his face properly? This hole Japan-holiday-would-be-so-fun-trip was so insane. And Heechul seemed to get even more insane with this man all around him. “Yea yea.. That was fun. And now I'm going back to take a nap or a hot shower.. or anything which doesn't contain SNOW.”, he yelled trying to sound angry. But all he could think about all the time was this man without a face. This man without a name or a identity. This man who seemed to be Hangeng, but probably wasn't more than a normal guy. And with this he walked away quickly before Leeteuk could even respond anything. Even after a long hot shower and wearing his favorite sweater and jeans he felt not a single bit better than before. His mind was still filled up with this mysterious man. And hearing the constantly running shower from Leeteuk made him sleepy again. And so he drifted off to his own little dreamland. A dreamland where Hangeng was still with him and the others. Where everything was still alright and SM Entertainment was a caring and good paying company. So it truly was a dreamland. He woke up to the touch of a gentle hand on his cheek. “Hey Chullie... Wake up..”, he heard Leeteuk's soft voice. “I made a reservation at the little but famous restaurant down the street.. So get up, so that we can go and eat something.”, he said softly. But Heechul was not able to get up in the first place. His head was dizzy and he was afraid that he had catch a cold. “I'm not feeling like eating something..”, he mumbled harsh into the pillow. “Oh come on Chullie.. Don't be such a mess. Get up and come with me.”, he said a bit angry. It wasn't normal for Leeteuk to get angry about anything easily, so Heechul was a bit wondrous. “No seriously Jungsu.. I don't want to go and eat at a restaurant.”, he said more softly now. But he could hear Leeteuk breath in sharply. “Okay. So lay in this fucking bed and be a fucking mess that's totally okay with me. But I don't get your problem. What's wrong with you? Whats wrong with the Heechul I know for so long now? Can you tell me? Can you tell me what is going on in your messy head? Instead of laying in this fucking hotel room you could go out and have fun like you were used to. In front of this fucking hotel room might be the key to everything that is glorious, but you just want to lay here and be a mess? Then I will be okay with that. Than I will be totally okay with that.”, he said furious. Heechul had his scarf pushed up over his nose and was looking at the snow on the sidewalk all the time. He was avoiding eye contact with Leeteuk all the time. It was the most embarrassing thing in the world. Siting face to face with Leeteuk in this lovely and small restaurant. Waiting for their dinner to come. Heechul was looking around, or out of the window still trying to avoid Leeteuk's eyes. When he saw again a man who exactly looked like Hangeng. Heechul caught his breath for a moment. He could see a tiny bit of his side profile. And what he saw made him even more breathless. Was he getting insane now? Was this the end? The end of Kim Heechul? Passing away in a small restaurant in a small town, overloaded with snow in the middle of January? Passing away because there was a man looking like Hangeng? His Hangeng? Oh he got so insane... “Chullie.. You don't look very good.. You are totally pale! Is everything alright?”, he heard Leeteuk's voice. But his brain was totally out of oxygen. “I'm.. oka.. No. excuse me for a second..”, he mumbled. Heechul got off of his chair and found his way to the restroom like he was in a state of trance. On his way he brushed by the foreign man. The Hangeng-man. But he was to afraid to take a short look, to get sure if he was going to get insane and had to kill himself in the toilet water. But he was to afraid and maybe to shy to kill himself in the toilet water. What would that have made a bad headline “Singer, actor and MC Kim Heechul from the very famous boy group Super Junior drowned himself in the water of a toilet”. Oh what a ugly headline. So he just splashed some water into his face and got out of the restroom again. He wanted to quickly get back to his seat. But his steps got more and more slowly when he neared the table of the so foreign man. With his steps, also his breath got shorter. And then he found himself standing still . And starring. He wasn't taking a deep look. He was starring. Starring at a face that was so familiar to him. A face that was too familiar. And then he began to laugh, to laugh like you would after hearing a good joke from a friend. Or after you receive a good mark, when you expect a bad one. “Oh well.. I'm insane. That's for sure..!!”, Heechul said laughing and went on, trying to take a step away from the table. But the man was holding him tightly at his wrist. “Heechul..”, he heard the voice from the other man. So melodic. So deep. So.. Hangeng-like. And it caused him to shiver. To shiver in believe that this man was really Hangeng and not just his ill imagination. “It's okay! I'm sorry. I promised not to laugh about you anymore. I'm sorry.”, Heechul said with a wary smile on his lips. Still thinking he was insane and this was not Hangeng, but a stranger. And in a special way.. Wasn't it exactly like that? Hadn't Hangeng become a total stranger to Heechul? Not seeing him, not hearing his voice, not knowing what was going on when he heard Hangeng had get back to China and would never ever be part of Super Junior again. That he would never ever be part of his life again. Hangeng had become a stranger and now Heechul was freeing himself out of the harsh grip on his wrist. “It's okay.. Just.. Let me.. alone. Okay. It's okay.”, he repeated himself over and over again. Quick steps got him back to his seat where Leeteuk was now getting up and examining him with his gaze. “Whats wrong Chullie?”, he asked anxious. “As if you didn't know! This was your plan? Wasn't it? You brought him here, didn't you?! TELL ME JUNGSU! .. Oh I'm getting so insane.. So.. insane..”, and than there was this grip on his wrist again. Heechul turned around and was nearly face to face with Hangeng. He could feel his breath brush over his cheeks. “Oh no.. I'm not going to participate in your dirty little game. Bringing me up this fucking hill - in fucking Japan with - all this fucking snow. And then there is SUDDENLY AFTER TWO YEARS Hangeng! Oh no. I'm going back to my bed now!”, he yelled at them both at the same time and was grabbing his jacket and scarf. “Chullie wait a second! Please! Let me explain that to you.. please!”, he heard Leeteuk demand one last time. And then he turned around for the last time. When Hangeng's hand reached for his own he grabbed the plate and threw it to the floor angrily. Bringing more distance to them. “I'm going now. Enjoy your meal!”, he yelled furious and was leaving. He ran up the hill back to their hotel room and locked the door behind him. “It's okay Chullie.. It's okay.. Everything is alright.. Just relax.. Just relax.”, he reminded him over and over again. And so he went to bed, telling himself over and over again that everything was alright and when he would get up in the morning he would fly back to Korea. When he woke up it was almost midday and he slowly crawled out of his bed. When he came back from the bathroom he recognized that Leeteuk wasn't in the room at all. He remembered locking the door the night before, and maybe Leeteuk was sleeping in the hallway, waiting for him to calm down and let him back in again. But Heechul had no intention in staying any longer at this awful place, so he got packing his stuff quickly and went to the door. But as he opened it and was about to step out of the room, there was not Leeteuk in front of the door as he had expected it, but Hangeng. Looking at him with tired and swollen eyes. Heechul stopped in his motion and stiffed immediately. Without saying anything he got up to meet him at the same level, but Heechul was avoiding eye contact just immediately. “I'm going back to Korea now. Nice to see you again. Greet Jungsu from me. Goodbye.”, he said hard with an stiff expression, while he tried to close the door without backing in again. “Heechul that's.. childish.”, was all that Hangeng said. Tried Hangeng to provoke him with this statement? But Heechul pulled himself together and went pass Hangeng down the hallway. Hangeng was still standing when he heard him say “We haven't seen us for years now! And Jungsu told me how depressed you were! So why are you running away now without even greeting me properly? It wasn't easy for me to come here to meet you guys!”, had Hangeng's Korean improved? Or was it just that it sounded so soft and lovely to his ears.. But he collected his thoughts and turned to face him. “Childish? Who are YOU to tell ME that I'm childish? That I'm running away! Who ran away? Who didn't even told me a single time about his plans to leave? Huh?! I think it was you! IT WAS YOU WHO RAN AWAY AND WAS LETTING ME DOWN BACK THEN ON THE SUPER SHOW TOUR! I came back to our dorm and I was alone. I was alone in this fucking room, I was alone when we went out to eat, I was every fucking time alone, you had left me alone Hangeng!”, Heechul shouted at him under heavy tears. Maybe it wasn't okay to be that nasty to Hangeng, but anger and hurt was all he felt. He wanted nothing more than to walk up the hallway and lean against Hangeng's surely warm and comfortable chest. He wanted nothing more than to tell Hangeng that he missed him and that his big but smooth hands would brush his cheeks and free him from this nasty tears. How ridiculous he might seemed now. Crying like a baby again over something that Hangeng might felt sorry about, but what was no big deal after the two years. Heechul buried his face into his hands and gave in to cry. He could feel strong arms around his waist, tugging him tight to Hangeng's warm chest. He smelled so wonderful, so familiar, it was the smell Heechul loved so much, had missed so much. And then he buried his face into the curve of his neck. Crying and sobbing into Hangeng's skin and Shirt. He felt him slowly guiding back to his room. Maybe he was right, crying and shouting on the hallway wasn't that good of an idea. So he let Hangeng guide him back, closing the door behind them and pulling him even a bit more close. He hold Heechul tight until he stopped sobbing and was slowly pulling away from Hangeng's chest. “I'm sorry..”, he mumbled and turned to face the window. “Heechul please.. Let me.. Let us talk about it. I know.. There are so many things which still remain unsaid.. We should take this chance and.. You know. Talk about everything from face to face.”, Hangeng demanded. Coming closer with every word he said. “There is something important I need to tell you.”, Hangeng said softly against Heechul's neck. He didn't needed to say anything. Heechul knew what Hangeng was going to tell him. He had known it for so long now. And he was afraid to hear it. But with Hangeng's lips in his neck, like a gun to his head, he wasn't barely even able to breath. So he just nodded in agreement and listened to Hangeng's soft words. “It was to much pressure.. And I saw.. I just saw I wasn't good for you.. You were all the time with me and distracting yourself even more from the others.. So I had to..”, Heechul had closed his eyes, still listening to Hangeng's soft words in his neck. But his words seemed more and more to become one. To be not noticed anymore. Hangeng's lips were more and more touching his skin until he felt Hangeng kissing his neck. Feeling him nibble at his soft skin, sucking, licking.. Feeling him so close to something good. “Face me Heechul.. Please let me see your eyes just once properly..”, he demanded and Heechul was so close from running. Running before there was no backdoor he could escape through. But he turned around. He turned around to give Hangeng this willing look, to show him how badly he had missed his lips and skin, his knowing touches and his bad Korean words. He knew, it wouldn't take long, until the language they spoke wouldn't matter anymore. Because their body language was the same. Heechul buried his fingers into Hangeng's hair. Pulling him closer, as their lips met again and again. Since when was it such a satisfying feeling to kiss someone? And since when was Hangeng such a good kisser? But Heechul had no time to complain about this question. Because Hangeng was pushing him back to the bed, twitching and pulling at the corners of his shirt, pulling it off without any minding. And that was the point when Heechul couldn't keep his hands at himself anymore and he was pulling off Hangeng's shirt as well. But the abs he revealed made him breathless for a moment. And all Hangeng could do about it was give him a deep chuckle. “Didn't remember them?”, he asked in a husky voice. But instead of an answer Hangeng received a open mouthed kiss, his tongue dragging against his lips hungrily. It didn't took long until it was skin to skin. Heechul rubbing his throbbing length against Hangeng's leg, moaning into his neck, while Hangeng was busy with lubing his finger. It was months ago, years ago.. He couldn't remember clearly when he had someone fucking him. But right now was so much better then he could remember. Hangeng's gentle fingers were pushing inside of him, sliding out and pushing back in. Giving him all he ever wanted. It was a satisfying feeling. It felt right, it felt good. And Hangeng pushing deep inside him, was such a heart splitting feeling. Heechul didn't care about the pain which racked through his body, all that mattered was the both of them. Heechul was cuddled up against Hangeng's warm and soft skin. The thick blankets covering their sweaty bodies. Was this how it should have been? Would it have been the same if Hangeng had stayed within SM Entertainment? And how were they supposed to go on from now on? There were so much questions running through Heechul's dizzy head. But Hangeng's kisses spoke about promises, about never letting go. And Heechul was okay with that. He was okay with the feeling of being complete now. “And Jungsu, you're sure they are going to make up? I mean.. You know how troublesome Heechul can be sometimes!”, Yesung said a little bit suspicious. “Nah~ Jongwoon-ah. I'm pretty sure.. Now wanna sled with me?”, he asked the men with a innocent grin on his face. “Oh no Jungsu.. I think.. I pass this time.. Why don't you ask Youngwoon instead?”, Yesung sounded a bit more afraid now. “I'm not that bad driver you know guys!”, Leeteuk replied a bit sharp and went to sled on his own. All that Yesung could mutter to himself, after Leeteuk crushed into a tree and everybody ran to his aid, was that it sometimes was a good point to be the weird one and not the clumsy. Hosted by Animexx e.V. (http://www.animexx.de)