Bad Habits   von Kita
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                                  Kapitel 1: 
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Matsuda still remembered the surprise he had felt, when he had first seen
Hagiwara with a cigarette. 

They had been 16, maybe 17, and his father's workshop had gone bankrupt just a
month ago. 

"What are you doing?" he had asked him, staring at the smouldering stick between
his lips. 

Hagiwara had just smiled crookedly and blown a ring of smoke into his direction.


Back then, Matsuda hadn't understood, why Hagiwara would do this to himself. It
was unhealthy, expensive, and disgusting on top. 

"Girls don't like smokers" he had tried to argue. "They won't kiss you like
this."

"I guess I won't be kissing any girls then" Hagiwara had replied. Another thing
Matsuda didn't understand until some years later. 

 

And years later, Hagiwara had already been hooked on nicotine, too much to just
stop for Matsuda. And Matsuda had just given in to his fate of being in a
relationship with a smoker.

"I won't kiss you like this!" His hand on Hagiwara's face didn't much to hide
the smile from him. "I hate the taste!"

But Hagiwara just smiled and kissed the palm of his hand. 

 

Eventually, Matsuda would stop complaining. He got used to the bitter taste over
time and it became a part of Hagiwara.

He still tried to get him to stop. "This will kill you one day, you know?" 

But just like back then, Hagiwara had just smiled at him. "I think if I die from
smoking, I lived a good life." After all, they had just graduated from the
police academy, and both of them already had a reputation within the bomb
squat.

"Shut up." Matsuda had nothing to argue against that. 

 

No, Matsuda had never understood Hagiwara's need to smoke. 

But when he returned that day into their empty apartment, finding himself
surrounded by silence and darkness, when the tears didn't stop running down his
face, and he just wanted to scream in despair, he found himself lighting one of
Hagiwara's cigarettes. 

He didn't smoke it, just let it burn down in the ash tray like an incense stick,
the bitter scent filling the room and engulfing him, until he fell asleep on the
couch. 

It helped, a little. Helped chasing away the loneliness and silence with the low
crackling of burning paper and tobacco. Sometimes he even thought he could hear
Hagiwara exhale and he almost saw the rings of smoke vanishing into thin air. 

 

On the first anniversary, he lit his first cigarette. Just burning it down
hadn't been enough to soothe the pain and chase away the tears and the saltiness
on his lips. 

He coughed when the smoke burnt his mouth and lungs, leaving a bitter taste on
his tongue. Despite the pain, it felt good. Or maybe it was because of the pain.


It gave him a reason to cry, as he realised that it didn't taste like kissing
Hagiwara at all.

 

By the time the fourth anniversary came closer, Matsuda was already more
addicted to these coffin nails than Hagiwara ever was. And by now he could
understand why Hagiwara had started this bad habit to begin with.

The way the smoke burnt in his throat, how the bitter taste made his eyes water,
it felt good. It was pain he had control over.

Paired with the effects of the nicotine, and the memories the scent and taste
brought to him, he couldn't blame Hagiwara anymore. 

He smiled when his eyes found the No Smoking sign. "Just a last one, okay? Just
let me indulge myself in this bad habit once more." He doubted there were
cigarettes in the afterlife. 

 

It felt warm for the first time in four years. 

"Jinpei-chan... didn't you say it's bad for my health?"

"Well, you were right after all, weren't you? It wasn't the cigarettes that
killed me."

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