Ryo sighed silently. It was the only sound to be heard in the hotel room on whose bed he was lying with his back, staring at the ceiling and thinking about how lonely he felt.
It was weird. He loved touring and had been so excited about playing in countries other than Japan. It had always been his biggest dream to go abroad with his band, spread the music he was so proud of and having a good time with his friends.
A good time they truly had, many of their shows were sold out and the European fans were so enthusiastic, so mad about them, that they made the band feel very special.
The off days were fun, too. None of them had previously been to Europe on their own; the only occasions were a couple of festivals that never gave them the time to actually explore the country or the city they were in. During their own tour they did have some spare time besides the gigs and promotional appointments such as interviews and photo shoots.
There had been some really fun situations; most of them due to the fact that none of them spoke English and their translator wasn’t always at hand. So exploring one of the cities was quite an adventure for the guys, nonetheless they all enjoyed the experience and sometimes got really excited about the things they saw and that were so unfamiliar to them and the Japanese way they were all being brought up to.
Ryo could honestly say that they were having the time of their lives…if there wasn’t something that bugged him. Or rather a certain someone. The person that caused this feeling of loneliness inside of him although he was so close to him. Theoretically.
They had been friends for years, bandmates, buddies, maybe even like brothers due to spending so much time with each other and as much as Ryo wanted to, he couldn’t deny that his own position towards him had changed during the previous months. He couldn’t explain to himself how of all the people he knew he could fall for Satoshi but it had happened and since when were feelings rational?
It was useless to think about it. The crush that was bugging him so much right now would be over sooner or later. He would get over it. He couldn’t even picture himself being with Satoshi, the mere thought made him feel weird. Yet he kinda longed for Satoshi’s presence.
Ryo tended to be hyperactive during the day and he could think of better things to do right now like writing that tune down that was spinning in his head when for once he didn’t think about Satoshi, or he could go down to the bar to get himself wasted and try to forget.
But here he was, lying calmly on his bed, letting his thoughts run free and dooming the person who put him into the same hotel room as Satoshi.
On tour in Japan they always had single rooms. Ryo actually liked the idea of sharing his room with someone else. He was not the one to enjoy solitude too much. However, sharing with Satoshi stirred an unpleasant feeling inside of him.
He had thought about swapping rooms with ShuU or Nii but that would have caused difficulties in explaining why he didn’t want to share a room with Satoshi. The others would think something was wrong between the two of them because there was no plausible reason for swapping. Satoshi neither snored, nor would he return drunk in the middle of the night.
And then it wasn’t only that they shared the same room, the worst scenario was yet to come: they didn’t have their own beds; there was only one double bed in the room which they would have to share. Like a couple. Ryo shivered.
At that instant he heard the shower being turned on and he wondered what Satoshi had done in the bathroom for so long. It had been at least 15 minutes since he went there. Probably taking his stage make-up off. It always took a while to clean one’s face from that special waterproof make-up they used during their gigs. Since they all sweated like hell the make-up had to be especially resistant. It was equally difficult to get it off. Not that it mattered anyway! How could he waste so many thoughts on their make-up and how Satoshi removed it? Sometimes Ryo seriously thought he was going nuts!
So Satoshi was under the shower. Ryo couldn’t help but imagining his friend washing himself under the warm water. Quite a nice thought but then again a forbidden one since it only worsened Ryo’s own situation.
He knew that the bathroom door wasn’t looked. Since that encounter in Germany last spring when Satoshi was locked into a toilet for 40 minutes, he didn’t trust foreign locks anymore and always made sure someone came with him to guard the unlocked door whilst he was doing what he had to do. The others, including Ryo, had teased Satoshi endlessly about that habit but he wouldn’t change it. Apparently he preferred all their jokes to the danger of being locked in once more.
Here in their hotel room, here was no need to lock the bathroom door anyways. They respected each other’s privacy and besides they were all guys, so there wasn’t anything worth looking at – at least that’s how it used to be. With Ryo’s feelings doing somersaults, it suddenly seemed exciting to cast one quick look through the bathroom door.
He got up slowly and approached the bathroom, hesitating at first but his curiosity cast his doubts aside and he carefully opened the door to peep with his left eye through the little slit. He saw Satoshi instantly. His eyes were closed in relaxation while he just stood there, enjoying the warm water rushing all over his body.
Ryo held his breath and let his eyes wander quickly over Satoshi’s wet and naked body, trying to memorise every detail before he shut the door again with a broad smile on his lips. That was so hot! He couldn’t risk being caught at observing a showering Satoshi though! He wouldn’t forget that sight anyways!
He went back to the bed but just sat down on the soft mattress and turned the TV on, not following what was shown on the screen. His thoughts were too much entangled with the idea of how it would be to take possession of that body.
Too lost in rather naughty scenes playing inside his head, he didn’t notice that the shower was being turned off in the meanwhile. Only when the bathroom door opened and Satoshi stepped out, only wearing boxers and drying his hair with a towel, Ryo found back into consciousness, staring for the split of a second at the sight in front of him. Then he jumped up and ran into the bathroom, even pushed Satoshi aside while doing so, and locked himself into the bathroom. Yes, he turned the lock.
“Ryo? Is everything alright?” Satoshi was puzzled by his friend’s sudden movements. It felt as if Ryo was running from him. He had noticed that the drummer’s behaviour had been different lately but his reaction now was definitely stranger than anything he had seen before.
“Erm…yes! I just needed to pee badly, you know?” Ryo couldn’t come up with anything else that explained his behaviour and hey, this sounded good! Why else would you run to a toilet?
“Oh, I’m sorry I took so much time! Won’t happen again!”
“No, no, it’s okay. Don’t worry!” Ryo couldn’t but smile at Satoshi’s courtesy. He definitely was a nice fellow and Ryo felt slightly ashamed for having naughty thoughts about him. He sat down on the toilet lid, wondering what to do now. He couldn’t quite ignore the pressure in his pants and damn, Satoshi had looked so hot when single drops of water fell from his dark hair and ran down his chest…
He started to unzip his trousers, closed his eyes and let his hand slide inside his shorts, slowly started to stroke himself while his thoughts wandered all over Satoshi’s body. Mmh, that was nice. He remembered the sight of Satoshi under the shower and imagined himself being there with him…
He stopped and opened his eyes. He had the shower right here and he needed a wash anyway so why not continuing there? The door was locked so he didn’t have to fear Satoshi coming in and could do whatever he wanted to.
Ryo undressed quickly, entered the shower and put it on. Hopefully Satoshi had left enough hot water for him but hey, they were in a hotel and there had to be warm water at all times!
It felt good to have the warm water running down his body, he closed his eyes and relaxed, his hand finding its own way back to his hardness that ached for relief.
Warm and pleasant feelings washed through his whole body while he began to grip himself firmer, faster. In his mind it wasn’t only him in the shower anymore. There was Satoshi standing behind him, giving him the pleasure his body and his mind longed for.
He leaned back against Satoshi’s chest, completely letting himself fall and giving in into Satoshi whose other hand was caressing his chest and planted little kisses in Ryo’s neck. It felt too good to be true but Ryo nonetheless gave himself completely into his fantasy, even silently muttering Satoshi’s name when he finally came.
He tried to cling to the intense emotions that overpowered his body during his climax but they didn’t last forever and when Ryo finally opened his eyes again, facing the fact that he was alone and had been alone during all this, all feelings of bliss were expelled by sobriety.
God, this was poor. He was jerking off to thoughts of Satoshi. If he knew that, he’d probably kick him out of the band (right after kicking his butt). He wasn’t even happy now, he even felt worse than before because he knew he would never experience Satoshi the way he wished for.
He turned off the shower and took one of the towels, dried his body and only then realised that he didn’t take any clean clothes with him. Whatever, he would just put the towel around his hips and get dressed in the room. It’s not like Satoshi would take any interest in a naked Ryo anyways.
When he left the bathroom Satoshi was sitting on his side of the bed flipping restlessly through the channels but apparently there was nothing he could understand so he switched the TV off and cuddled himself inside his blanket. It was late and he was tired. As much as he loved playing gigs, they always exhausted him and since they had to get up early the next morning it was the best to go to sleep.
Ryo couldn’t but smile warmly when he saw Satoshi lying there like that. He quickly put on clean boxers and an oversized t-shirt he wore at night, switched off the lights and lay down next to Satoshi, trying not to freak out but to enjoy the presence of the man he longed for.
They said goodnight and it didn’t take long until Ryo could hear Satoshi’s steady breathing. He himself however couldn’t find sleep easily that night. Too many thoughts were running through his mind and Satoshi’s presence was distracting after all.
It was just not fair that he had fallen in love with him. It wasn’t fair and he hated himself for his feelings for the singer. Sometimes he tried to pretend that he wasn’t in love, that they were just friends and nothing else but he couldn’t betray his feelings. Especially not now that he lay awake in the darkness and couldn’t do anything but thinking.
He moaned and got up to get his iPod. Maybe the music could help him shut his thoughts out and fall asleep. Back in bed he rummaged through the folders of his iPod and tried to figure out what kind of music would set his mind at peace. He usually listened to heavy bands such as Korn or System of a Down but right now he was in the mood for something entirely different and when he found the song he turned the volume to the max.
Yes, that was just what he needed! Ryo relaxed, closed his eyes and silently followed the words of the song in his mind. Just before it finished he set the song on repeat so he could listen to it again and again. At least that was his plan but when the chorus started, his plugs were being ripped away from his ears.
“Why are you listening to Gackt?”
“Why not?” Damn, it was embarrassing for him to be caught listening to Gackt. Luckily Satoshi couldn’t see how he turned red.
“It’s not what you usually listen to. I am surprised you even own any of his music! Didn’t you always say he’s doing lame popmusic?”
“Well, he has a couple of good songs though. And anyways, it’s not your business what I am listening to!”
“It is! The music is so loud that I woke up!”
“Sorry, I’m gonna turn it down!”
“But tell me why you are listening to Gackt? And then to a song like Emu~for my dear~? ”
“Sounds like I am not the only one familiar with Gackt’s music!” Ryo answered sharply, ignoring Satoshi’s questioning that made him feel uncomfortable.
“Who doesn’t know that song?” Satoshi blurted out but then soothed himself. “But I am not the one who is listening to it on repeat in the middle of the night. Did something bad happen?” He was a bit worried, knowing that the song was written for one of Gackt’s bandmates that passed away.
“No, nothing happened. Don’t worry, Satoshi-kun. I am fine. I am sorry I woke you. I will switch off the music now and we both get back to sleep, okay?” Hoping this would be the end of their conversation, Ryo switched off his iPod and put it on the bedside drawer.
Satoshi however was wouldn’t let go of Ryo so easily. He wanted answers! Besides, there was something else in his head that he had been wondering about for quite a while already.
“But something must have happened. The Ryo I know wouldn’t just listen to Gackt without a reason. I know you far too well!”
Ryo rolled his eyes. That was so typical of Satoshi. He would go on pressing until he got an answer that satisfied him. Unfortunately there was no such answer Ryo could give him.
“Listen Satoshi, can’t we talk about that tomorrow? I am really tired right now!” Not that he ever intended of continuing that conversation any other time but postponing seemed to be the only thing he could do right now.
“But I won’t be able to sleep now. Come on. If nothing bad has happened, you can really really tell me. Please!” Satoshi begged with a childlike voice. He had an assumption why Ryo was listening to sad lovesongs but he wanted to hear it from his friend and then he could act on it… . However, he wasn’t getting an answer since Ryo had decided to ignore his friend from this moment on.
“Are you unhappily in love?” Satoshi pressed on, feeling stupid and tactless to ask such a personal question but if Ryo wouldn’t cooperate, he had to take things into his own hand.
“No!” Ryo’s eyes shot open and he started to feel nervous, very nervous! How could Satoshi ask him such a question?
“Mmh. You sure?”
“Yes!”
“But you know that you can tell me anything? Anything?”
“Yes. Satoshi please. Can’t you just shut up now?”
“Make me shut up!”
“Eh? That’s actually what I am trying to!”
“Your methods just don’t seem to be very effective!”
“So how can I silence you?”
“Like that I guess!” Satoshi worked up all his courage, bent over his friend and pressed his mouth on Ryo’s lips. His kiss was firm but gentle as he felt Ryo stiffening under his sudden action and almost expected to be pushed away but then he felt Ryo’s mouth opening and welcoming his tongue with his own. He slowly deepened the kiss and pressed his body down on Ryo’s. Just then, the drummer pushed him away and switched on the light.
“What the fuck was that?” Ryo was startled, shocked, surprised, didn’t know what to make out of Satoshi’s behaviour. Secretly, such a kiss was what he had wished for long but now that it had happened it felt weird. Of course he was more than willing to return the kiss in the beginning but the very moment their bodies touched as well he woke up from his dream and broke the kiss. Since when was Satoshi kissing other guys? His own bandmate even?!
“I am not blind, Ryo!” Satoshi answered coldly, not trying to hide he was hurt by Ryo’s words.
“What do you mean you are not blind?”
“Don’t you think I didn’t notice how you were looking at me? Sometimes even staring? Or how jealous you were when I was talking to one of the others, sitting next to somebody else on the tourbus. You’re not half as secretive as you think you are! Your face was telling everything! ”
Ryo blushed deeply. All he wanted to do right now was to grab the blanket and bury himself under it. He couldn’t recall any other situation that made him feel as embarrassed as he did now. So Satoshi had known all the time that he was in love with him and maybe the others noticed something, too. Gosh, he felt like a stupid teenager that was fawning over some boy he’d never reach.
“At first it felt weird and confused me a lot but then I started to like it and felt flattered by your attention. Naturally I thought a lot about it and before I even realised it, I was thinking about you more than was normal…” Satoshi went on, not looking at Ryo and how he reacted on his confession. It wasn’t easy for him to speak about these things now because they still confused him, made him feel slightly embarrassed as well and so he avoided eye contact with the other one, too scared anyways to be rejected.
“Why didn’t you ever say anything to me?” Ryo asked. He couldn’t quite believe what Satoshi had just told him. If his words were true, it meant that Satoshi felt something for him, too and he just kissed him. Nonetheless, this all sounded too good to be true.
“I felt you were the one to make the first step!”
“Why?!”
“Because you fell for me first!”
“Satoshi, I can’t believe that. All the time you knew about my feelings and didn’t do anything? Do you have the slightest idea of how bad I felt lately because of you? And now you’re just joking around about whose turn it was to start the whole thing. Is this just a game to you? Satoshi, I… I don’t wanna get hurt!” Gosh, that sounded like a line from a cheesy, sappy American teen movie and Ryo hated himself for saying something like that but he needed to know if Satoshi was serious about them.
“It’s not a game to me and hurting you is the least I want to do. I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you earlier about how I feel. It’s just that although I felt attracted to you I still had my doubts. Doubts about myself and if I was reading your signs correctly. I didn’t want to make an idiot out of me!”
“But now you turned me into the idiot!” Ryo replied sadly. He still felt like being played with and couldn’t understand why Satoshi never spoke to him. Right, he didn’t work up the courage either to confess his feelings but he didn’t know if his feelings were returned either. Satoshi on the contrary always knew he had a crush on him.
“No, no, no, you’re not an idiot! Anything but that! Ryo in love is the cutest thing I have ever seen!” Satoshi moved closer to Ryo and put an arm around his waist, hoping that he wouldn’t push him away again.
Ryo didn’t. He enjoyed it way too much to be so close to Satoshi and fought hard with himself to not simply jump on him. He had to make sure Satoshi was really serious about that.
“And now you are sure about your feelings?”
“Yes. I wouldn’t have done and said what I did tonight if I didn’t see a chance for us. I really want this. I want you. More than anything else and that I am sure of!”
“Okay…” Ryo smiled shyly. “I am happy about that. It’s weird to hear that you feel the same for me but I am happy!” He shifted slightly and adjusted himself carefully on Satoshi’s lap; put his arms around his neck while Satoshi moved his hands to Ryo’s hips.
“So, another kiss is it then?”
Satoshi smiled. “Yes. That would be nice. But maybe a little longer this time!”
“Yeah, a little longer! Sorry that I pushed you away!”
“It’s okay, don’t worry. But now, the kiss!”
Ryo couldn’t deny this made him nervous. He had kissed Satoshi many times in his mind but now that a real kiss was expected, he was scared of not being a good enough kisser. He didn’t want to scare Satoshi away now that they had found together. Well, there was no time to think about that now since Satoshi had already pulled him near and brought their lips together.
Moving their lips gently against each other, Ryo felt Satoshi opening his mouth slightly, letting his tongue dart out and meeting his lips with it, tracing the lower lip and finally pushing his mouth open to invade it. Their tongues met and began to twirl around each other for a while before Ryo took more initiative on his own and slowly started to push Satoshi’s tongue back into his own mouth. Instead of deepening the kiss though, he started nibbling and sucking at his lower lip, happy that the kiss felt so good and made him forget all his nervousness.
The little smacking sound when they finally parted made Ryo smile. Satoshi returned the smile, gently cupping Ryo’s cheek and looking at him.
“But you know, I’m gonna tease you forever for having listened to a Gackt lovesong!”
“Oh come on!” Ryo groaned. “It was just this one time!”
“This one time? I don’t believe that. It didn’t just appear on your iPod. You put it there!”
“How can I make you forget about that?” Ryo once more brought his face close to the one of his new lover and pressed small kisses on his jaw, trailing up to his lips.
“That was nice and I would say you have to pay a lot of more of this kinda stuff to make me forget but… I don’t wanna miss the fun when telling ShuU and Nii about that!”
“Right…” Ryo sighed, determined to not bring this conversation any further. Instead he shifted and lay down next to Satoshi, cuddling closer to him. “We should sleep now. We’ll have to get up early tomorrow morning!”
“You’re right! Goodnight!” Satoshi bent over to the bedside drawer and switched off the light, then moved closer to Ryo’s warm body and gave him a light kiss before shutting his eyes and trying to find back to his sleep that was disturbed earlier that night.
When the light went out Ryo couldn’t but smile happily and happy he truly was. He’d never expected Satoshi to feel the same but now that he knew he did and they kinda were together he could burst with joy and happiness. Just lying next to Satoshi, feeling his warmth and breath and knowing that he was his now was enough to let a whole swarm of butterflies swirl through his stomach. Confident about the next day and spending more time with Satoshi he closed his eyes, knowing that he would finally find sleep now that his mind was soothed. He was almost slumbering away when Satoshi’s voice brought him back.
“Do you think he’s hot?”
“Who?”
“Gackt!”
“SHUT UP!”
*** Owari ***
