Kibum had a few very expensive coats in his closet. A blue one. A black one. One with a lot of fur on it.. But when you would have asked him which one was his favorite one, he may have picked one which seemed odd and outworn. It would be simple and gray and he would give it a lovely squeeze and put it back into the closet. You would never see him wear this coat, he would prefer the one with the fur or the black one from Chanel. But he would still keep this coat as a simple memory.
“Are you coming home for Christmas yeobo?”, he asked over the phone while his hands were busy getting through the magazine in front of him. This coat looked nice.. Or would he prefer the boots? Kibum was so busy thinking about all the nice and expensive things in front of him, that he would have missed Jinkis answer. “Why?!”, he shouted nearly. “Why aren't you coming home! It's only 6 days left! Stop your stupid work and come back to Korea!”, and with that he hang up. Leaving Jinki to his own business.
Kibum had for sure a lot of boots, or sneakers, or even a few different pairs of slippers. Most of them overly expensive since he was very fashionable. But some of them he wore just to very special occasions. Jinki often whined about how their hall was a pure mess out of shoes. And that he couldn't find his own pair in all the mess Kibum had done for finding a fitting pair of shoes. But he never got mad at him. He knew it was no use to argue with Kibum about shoes. Or clothes. Or anything near that. But there was one pair of shoes he would never wear. They would be standing there neatly and untouched. He wouldn't even glance at them, but keep them as a lovely memory.
“What do you mean with “He is not coming home for Christmas” Kibum?”, asked Jonghyun in a slightly shocked way. Since eight years they spend Christmas together as a couple. And Jonghyun was sure that he had seen Kibum never that upset. “Like I said a second ago, he isn't coming home for Christmas. He is staying in New York and working like shit. He doesn't even care about the fact that I bought his presents already months ago. Or that I planed to make chicken. He cares about nothing but his stupid work. He doesn't cares about my feelings or that this fucking reply from the adoption agency is still unopened and we agreed on opening it together when he is back from New York.”, and with that he sat down at the table and buried his face in his hands. It was stupid wasn't it? To think it would be like all the years before. Sharing the lovely atmosphere of Christmas together. Kibum felt Jonghyuns warm embrace and gave in to cry.
When they first moved in eight years ago, it was like a dream. The ring on his finger shining brightly and Jinkis hand squeezing so tight around his own. This would be their home. This would be their save castle. They agreed on never arguing about anything in here. And so they went to the big balcony instead, Kibum screaming and yelling like hell and Jinki just apologizing all the time. But when they would go back inside, Kibum would say he was sorry and that it would be his fault, and Jinki would simply give him a kiss and say, it was okay. They were both jerks.
Kibum loved every room of their flat. But the room he liked the most was their bedroom. Not because of all the hot sex they had in there, but because of the simple fact, that Jinki would come and cuddle up to him, if he was crying about not getting a reply from the adoption agency.
And then there was this unused room. They had painted it light green, and Kibum found himself there more often lately. It could have been the room of their child. It could have been the place were Kibum was reading fairy tails or drying small tears. It could have been. But it never were and possibly never would be. But they would keep this room still. They would keep it as a memory, as a save place. And maybe Kibum would bury all his hopes about a child there.
“Hyung listen.. If it bothers you that much to be alone on Christmas.. Why don't you come over and celebrate with Jonghyun and me?”, Taemin asked over his cup of coffee. His eyes were sincere. But Kibum was unsure. “I don't know Minnie.. You see.. What if he comes home and I'm not there?”, he asked a bit nervous. “You could leave him a note!”, Taemin replied instantly. “Ah.. Note..”, Kibum mumbled. “Listen Taeminnie.. I really.. appreciate your invitation, but I think I will pass. I'm sorry.. I think.. I just will be all by myself that's okay.”, Kibum replied with a slight smile and changed the topic. Taemin was right. He shouldn't have been all alone on Christmas. But he was not sure if he could stand Jonghyun and Taemins lovey dovey.
It was Christmas morning and Kibum got up around 7 am. It was a normal time for him to get out of bed, but today was different. His bed was so nice and warm and he felt so save. He felt okay. Christmas without Jinki seemed horrible. But while he stayed in his bed, everything seemed still okay. Or he pretended so. But when he wanted to get all the decoration done and the last groceries shopped he had to get up now. And so he did – Torturing himself out of bed.
Kibum went to the grocery store and got the last few things that where missing on his list and went back home. On his way he slipped 3 times, stumbled up the stairs and hit his knee at the door frame. Today was definitely a horrible day.
If you had asked Kibum about his favorite season, he may have answered Christmas. Because he loved to decorate everything brightly and loved to go out and look around for presents. But if you would have asked him this year, you may would have received no answer. Even if he still loved Christmas and the presents and all the lights, the most important part would have not been there. And Christmas was not Christmas without Jinki. It was lonesome and horrible. He would wake up to a empty bed, there would be no smell of coffee unless he did it himself and there would be no one to say “Merry Christmas Kibum.”, to him early in the morning. But still Kibum would hardly try to think about all their other Christmases together. The happy ones, the good ones, even the horrible moments. He would do everything to get a bit of a warm feeling these days. He would think about all the nice presents. The gray coat, the warm boots, all the lovely cards. But it would not work out well.
Around late midday Kibum decided on decorating the Christmas tree. But after he had done that in no time, he felt even more bored and lonely. Maybe he should have had agreed to Taemin and Jonghyuns invitation. But no, he had to stand that out alone. He decorated the table instead and began cooking. And deep within him there was still the hope that Jinki would come home for Christmas. For him.
It was around eight in the evening when Jinki finally reached their apartment. He pushed the elevator buttons in a hurry and was more than impatient to reach their floor. He fumbled with the keys and it seemed like an eternity until the door opened and he was able to step in. He came home to the wonderful smell of chicken and cookies. Was that red vine and cinnamon? He could barely see the dinning table with all the candles and the expensive plates they only used for very special occasions. He felt so overwhelmed.
“I'm home!”, he yelled through the apartment and stepped in further, trying to reach the dining room. But he was cut off halfway as he felt Kibum clinking to his waist, and he automatically wrapped his arms around him. “You're here!”, he could hear Kibum sniff into his dress shirt and Jinki could only afford a small giggle. “If you would have listened to the end while our last phone call you would have heard me saying that I really tried my hardest to come home for Christmas!”, and with that he lifted Kibums chin. “Merry Christmas Kibum..”, he said softly before his lips reached for his.
If you would have asked Kibum about his favorite season, or his favorite coat, or his favorite boots, it all would have contained something with Jinki. It would have been the coat Jinki gave him as a present on their first anniversary. Or the boots they discussed over so long until Jinki showed up with them one evening after work. Or Christmas which they spend together since eight years.
If you would have asked him what was his favorite room it would have been the green one. The one they would raise their child in. The child they would adopt around new year and they would name her Hana. A little flower, small and precious, like all their memories together.
Like all the little things that make them feel warm inside even if it's snowing outside.
