Jinki came home late that evening. In both of his hands bags with groceries and on his shoulders the weight of fear. Kibum didn't had called all day - no text message - nothing. And when Jinki entered the hallway and could see Kibum - a sobbing mess on the couch - he knew without any further asks what had happened at the doctor. What the results had said. Jinki knew that it was cancer what was eating away Kibums body and strengh.
He didn't even had to tell him.
That evening he rocked him to sleep - allowing himself to cry after he was sure Kibum was sound asleep in his arms.
"The doctor said one year. Maybe a bit more.. Maybe less. Nobody knows. I'm sick of fighting Jinki. I'm sick. I don't want to fight it any longer. I just want to have another peaceful year with you." , he said a few evenings after he had gotten the result. Jinki wanted him to fight. Fight for another few years. He was not ready to let go of Kibum. He was not ready to live without him after they just had a few years together. They had planned on having a little ceremony in summer to celebrate their relationship - but suddenly nothing made sense anymore. Not to Jinki.
Kibum would major in performing arts and media sciences this spring while Jinki was already working as a lawyer for two years now. They had a peaceful life. A not so small apartment and Jinki earned enough money to buy Kibum a lot of expensive clothes - since he was a fashionista - pay for their rent and Kibums college fees.
They had all they ever wanted and that was why Jinki was not ready to let go of their life - to let go of Kibum.
Kibum - who was the middle of his everything.
"Let's go out for dinner tonight!" Jinki suggested over lunch.
"But baby I have finals in three days! I should sit at home and study until my head hurts and my eyes bleed!", Kibum whined aloud and let his head fall onto the desk. "Does finals really matter anymore?", Jinki asked a bit aback. Normaly he wasn't the one to sweet talk Kibum into anything but since he knew they would just have a few more months together he tried his very best to spend every free second he had with Kibum. In a few months it wouldn't matter anymore if Kibum would have had all A's in finals or if he failed.
Nobody would care cause Kibum would be dead and Jinki would be left behind with nothing but their memories. And so he tried his very best to make a last few good ones.
"Yes it matters. Cause if you don't mind I don't want the last four years in college to go to waste. I don't care if I die in a few months. All I care about is how to finish my assignment for finals in time. And if we gonna have good sex or not. So if you excuse me I'm going back to my books now."
And with that Kibum left the table - leaving Jinki behind.
Kibum had figured out what he wanted to do with the last few months he had left. It was unrealistic to see the world. Or to go to Paris - and he didn't want to ask Jinki for such an expensive trip. Cause he knew all to well that Jinki would have rushed to an travel agency the instant Kibum would have closed his mouth after voicing out his request. And so he instead brought a video camera after finals.
Jinki came home after a long hard day at the court just to be greeted by a camera lense. "Say 'Hi' to the camera baby!", Kibum chirped happily. "Uhm... hi?", Jinki said a bit aback. While he took of his shoes, got rid of his jacket and loosened his tie Kibum and the camera followed his every movement.
"What exactly are you doing there...?", Jinki asked curious.
"Filming.", Kibum deadpanned.
"And why are you filming.... Some new project for College or what?"
"No.", Kibum deadpanned again.
"A memento from me for you."
"Day 1.
This is going to be my first film for you Jinki. I don't know what to say. I didn't made a plan or something... But I promise you I will come up with something better to say. But for now.. I'll start with showing you our apartment. So if you ever have to leave... You can watch this film and come back to our save castle." - The camera is unsteady for a few moments because Kibum is picking it up from the breakfast bar he had placed it on earlier.
"Look here... Our kitchen. The place I used to make you chicken all the time. Or breakfast. Sending you off to work with coffee and a bagel." - The camera shows the kitchen with the big cooking island and their expensive pans and fridge. The dark blue tiles going all around the kitchen counter giving everything an exclusive flair. There are foot steps and next comes the living room. "Our leather couch. I will always remember all the hot summers. Me hanging on that cool black leather while waiting for some inspiration to hit me before I melt - and you? You being just a few inches away from me on the floor. Thats how I loved to spend our summer days in the unbearable heat." - The camera is a shaky mess and then they are in their shared working room.
"Look what we have here.", Kibums amused voice is audible and then he comes closer to a sleeping form bend over a big wooden desk. It's Jinki. Sound asleep over some paper work. "You look so sweet when you sleep. Like an angel. A hot angel.", Kibums voice is hushed and he films around the room. "Your part of the room is so tidy all the time. While mine looks more like I dropped a bomb there. But I never really intended on working in here anyways. I preferred making some creative mess and give you some weird looks when you tried to question my way of working." - Kibum leaves the working room and goes on for the bathroom and and his big walk in closet.
The last one he shows to the camera is the bedroom. He enters the room and closes the door soundless while he lets the camera wander around. Without a comment he drops the cam to the nightstand adjusting it right and sitting in the middle of their big bed.
"When I first walked in I didn't like this apartment. I hated the dark wooden floor. Hated the steel kitchen and the big windows which allowed to alight our apartment even at night. I was afraid we would loose ourselves in such a big apartment. Since I was so used to live in a crowded apartment with you and Jonghyun for four years. But when I saw the bedroom - when I saw how your eyes light up after taking in the sight of beautiful Seoul at sunset.. I knew we would never find a better apartment. We would never be happier anywhere else.", he paused for a second to look around. "We fight - we made up - I cried - you rocked me to sleep. So much happened in here. So much I never would want to miss. I hope I can die here. I hope I can fall asleep in your arms without pain and not wake up again. I want it to happen here. Cause there is no place elsewhere where I feel as save and home as here in this bed in your arms.", Kibum confessed slowly. He gave the camera a weak smile before he bought up the back of his hand to rub over his wet eyes.
"I want you to know, that I love you Jinki.
And that I'm thankful that I found you in our apartment one day.. Arguing with Jonghyun over the rent.. I'm thankful you fell in love with me.
Jinki..." - he paused again.
"I'm thankful I was allowed to have have seven wonderful years with you by my side."
Kibum ended the film with a teary smile.
"Day 58.
We're going to the park today!! HOORAAAI~!!!", Kibum squealed into the camera. Jinki was by now pretty used to have Kibum and the camera everywhere. When he made breakfast or brushed his teeth. Kibum was eager to film everything they did. And so it was no big thing when Kibum got into the car with his camera. Filming everything they did.
"Oh look! There is our favorite coffee shop! We should have a coffee later! Oh and there! I bought flowers there often!", Kibum said happy. And Jinki was afraid Kibum could loose this happiness one day. And so he did everything possible to keep this happiness. He brought new sd-cards nearly every week. Buying new Polaroids and even a new Polaroid camera since Kibum seemed to take big interest into taking them.
"Why don't we sit there. I don't want to sit in the sun.. Cause my head hurts all morning." - And as ever Jinki obliged. They sat down and started their picknick while Kibum filmed everything. Jinki eating - Jinki calling Jonghyun and asking why he was so late - Jinki doing everything.
"Baby... You should stop filming me so much. This seems more like I'm going to die instead of you.", Jinki said while giving the lens a worried glance. "Oh.. You're right! Your beauty just takes me in all the time!", Kibum said cheery and crawled a bit nearer. The camera was shaky for a split second and then they were both visible. "Tada~~ Now we're both visible! Oh and look there is Jonghyun!" - And then the camera showed their closest
friend.
"Day 289.
We're on our way to meet our parents today. Something like a family trip. Jinki is playing Tetris with our bags at the car. While I sit here and wait for the painkillers to work. I'm sorry baby I'm no big use today. Or yesterday. Or the last few days. My headache keeps getting worse and I try my best. But I'm afraid I won't be any big use in the future too." - Kibum pauses while a click and food steps get audible for the camera. Kibum picks it up and Jinki gets visible. "Do you feel a bit better?", he asks tentatively. "Jep! I feel much better. Is Everything ready?", Jinki nods and Kibum shuts the cam off. The trip is long and tiring. Kibum must have fallen asleep, cause when he wakes up, the sun starts setting and Kibum is in a hotel bed. He turns to the side with great afford and it's the first time in a few days that he can feel how much the cancer has worn out his body already. He brings a shaky hand up to his face and feels for his sharp cheekbones and his forehead. But when he feels no heat he sights relieved and tries to get up.
With some afford he manages to get out of bed and finds Jinki on the big balcony. "Hey Mr.", Kibum says weekly and Jinki turns in the speed of light. "You're up!", he says a bit too relieved for Kibum to like it. But nonetheless he gives him a lovingly smile. "Yes I'm up and I'm starving.", Jinki gives him a week smile.
"So what about we go and grab some food then?"
Kibum is slightly tired the following day. And the day after. And the day after that too. And so all the activities they planed are not really working. But it doesn't matter. Kibum enjoys that his parents are around. He enjoys that Jinki gets some rest and with each passing day he seems to relax a bit more. But the fear never leaves his eyes. And Kibum starts to miss them light up and his loop sided smile. Kibum misses the old days when they both were full of energy and joy.
And it's the first time Kibum realizes he has not much time left. That he will die sooner or later and that he will have to leave Jinki behind. Leave him in a sobbing mess on his death bed. That his eyes will lose their magic forever.
It's the first time in two years that he is truly afraid to die.
They bid their parents goodbye and head home after a more or less refreshing week at Jeju island. They head back to their apartment in Seoul. And even if Kibum misses all the wonderful nature and the harsh sea - the moment he surpasses the threshold he feels more relaxed than the whole time at Jeju.
"Jinki... There is one thing I want to do before I die.", Kibum says one evening while they are cuddled up on the big leather sofa. The summer heat had burned down all day and so they enjoyed a good breeze now.
"Yes?", was all Jinki said.
"I want you... To make love to me. Everywhere around our apartment. Make me not forget how you felt inside me. All big and hot. Bring back this exciting feeling in my groin. Mark me one last time before I might be to weak to even hold your hand."
And Jinki would obey his wish.
They had started right there on the sofa. A simple blow job - some making out. Kibum tried not passing out because his head spun and his nerves were on super drive. But he made it.
His slender fingers clawing at the expensive wood on their kitchen counter. Pressing hard against Jinki before they switched to the shower.
Jinki fucking him hard against the cold glass.
When they finally made it into bed, Jinki insisted to sleep - "We can finish it another time.." - he insisted weakly. Cause Kibum was pale and he looked so fragile and so much exhausted.
But Kibum silenced him with a long kiss. "No.", he said. "Make love to me. Slow and long. Make me feel like the first time we did it.", and Jinki obliged. He teased Kibum to no end. Being all sweet and careful. And when Kibum could feel him press inside him for the nth time that evening it felt as if it was their first time. Kibum let his tears flow freely after he came. He let Jinki kiss his tears away from his cheeks and let the other pull him into a save embrace.
"Day 363."
Kibum says weekly into the camera.
"The doctor has just left. I feel okay now. No pain and nothing. You'll be home in a few minutes. So everything is alright. I hope you bring some strawberries with you. Cause I crave for them since days." - The door to the bedroom creeks open and Jinki comes in. "Strawberries!!", Kibum squeals and then the camera is shut off.
"Day 363.
I look horrible. My skin is grey like a newspaper. My cheekbones are to sharp to look good anymore and I'm weak. I feel like it's going to end soon... But I still hope I can make it some more days... I want to at least live my 365 days..." - a pause.
"I wish I would have been this creative while I still had the strength to publish or anything... Or be in college." - a weak chuckle.
"Jonghyun wrote down the poem for me today cause I wasn't even able to hold the pen. It's horrible for a creative person like me to not be able to even hold a pen or a brush or anything. I feel weak." - another pause.
"Jinki comes home in a few. He had to left for work again. But he comes home soon. I want to give him some strength too. But I'm afraid I can't. He looks so worn out and his skin is as grey as mine. I guess it's time for me too die soon so that he can relax a bit without worrying about me all the time." - Kibum let his tears flow. To weak to brush them away anymore.
"I don't want to die. I love him. I don't want to leave him behind. But I know there is no going back or miracles happening on my death bed or shit like this. I'm going to die and all I can hope for him is to enjoy the videos I made for him over the past year. I want for him to have something to look at when the pain gets too much." - Kibum cries again this time horrible. Sobbing painfully - then choking nearly on his own spit.
When he regains some strength again he grabs after the paper on his lap.
"today.
the colour of the sky is somewhere
in between blue and grey
the air smells of last night's storm
and i
(no more than a dot on a map)
i (with stardust in my bones) am tired
Of not having my heart burned"
He read out a lout.
Jinki found his laptop still open when he came home two hours later. He had put the blanket neatly over Kibums lifeless body and kissed him goodbye.
He than took the laptop and watched his last message just to find out that Kibum filmed a video for himself everyday. Telling the camera openly how he really felt. And it was more heart breaking to see Kibum reflect on himself and his illness than to watch all the videos he made for Jinki.
When Jinki and Jonghyun went through all of Kibums personal videos together they found more than a hundred of poems and lyrics - ideas for theater pieces and stuff.
They decided on publishing it because Kibums work was so openly - so touching only a artist on his death bed could be.
But even after years of watching the videos – waking up to a full wall covered in framed Polaroids - Jinki was sure Kibum had burned his heart - because he had equally burned his.
Burned with love.
